


The Chronicles of Kravitz and Henry Tailor Taako

by MercuryHomophony



Series: Behold the Field in Which I store my Headcannons (TAZ) [16]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Captain Marvel universe mentioned, Flerkin, Gen, Polymorph Spell, San Francisco Live Show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-08 00:58:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19096495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercuryHomophony/pseuds/MercuryHomophony
Summary: After taking down an undead pirate fleet with the help of your very awesome and very handsome boyfriend and his new oceanic pet, there are still some loose ends to tie up. Well, really one loose end.Taako takes care of it. Kravitz still has no idea what their new pet is capable of.





	The Chronicles of Kravitz and Henry Tailor Taako

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in two sittings and is a completely unbeta'd barely edited thing that I've been dying to write since relistening to the San Francisco live show. I have like, two more short ideas with it, so it may be a multichap of shorts, it might just be this. Who Knows?

There’s no question that they party after Taako’s new fishy best friend handles the last ghost ship. The carnage is absolute – spectral skiffs piloted by bony boatswains take off in all directions from the total destruction the Kraken is laying down on the final undead dreadnaught, but these attempted escapees are easily chased down by the Reaper Squad, and dispatched. Merle manages to jump ship, with a little help from his water-walking, and uses his Divine magic to crumble their foes to calcium dust. Magnus finally gets to use his vehicle proficiency, and steers just a little too close to the other ship for Davenport’s comfort, but the captain is too busy trying to just hold on to the Flaming Poisoning Raging Sword of Doom as it continues to cut through enemies and ship alike like a hot knife through butter. Orla engages in some good ol’ fashioned ship combat, bounding across the deck, portable cannon hefted over her shoulder and firing off at regular intervals.

Between the lot of them, the fight itself is cleaned up in about 5 minutes. Lup or Taako suggest a bomb victory meal to celebrate, with the thinly veiled observation that this is the first time they’ve had so many of the crew together since Story and Song. So, the Reaper Squad does some quick relay between Casa de Taako and the ship for supplies, and the Twins whip up a suitable spread before everyone goes to town.

“Wait, you’re _The Davenport_?” Orla gasped around a mouthful of bread, spraying crumbs. She clapped a hand to her forehead in disbelief. “As in, _Captain Davenport_ of the _Starblaster_ Davenport?”

“Well, yes,” Davenport said.

“Okay, but as opposed to _which_ Davenport?” Magnus added with a laugh. Orla shrugged, arms out.

“Loo, I assumed it was just like, a common gnomish name! I didn’t know I was sailing with the captain hero of the multiverse!” Davenport smiled under his mustache, hiding the expression behind his mug.

Kravitz, who had been busy sampling everything in ample quantity, looked up from his plate. “You might find that happening more as time goes on,” he commented. “When big events and heroes come around, you usually see a lot of people naming children after them.”

The Birds’ reactions were mixed – Barry and Davenport looking a cross of amused and embarrassed, Magnus excited, Merle ambivalent, and the twins aghast. Taako stuck out his tongue. “Not _this_ name. It’s part of the brand, Taako Tm tm tm! I’ll slap ‘em with a lawsuit so quickly they’ll see stars!”

“Yeah, not so crazy about seeing a buncha Lup wannabies running around,” Lup added, before pausing a moment to think. “Although, I suppose they could fight me for the right to call themselves that…”

Outside the porthole, a loud, agreeable burble responded. A brief pause fell over the conversation, then Taako walked over to the porthole, peering out with a smile.

“Aww, we didn’t forget you, big guy!” he crooned, in a voice he usually reserved for Kravitz and the cats. Lup, Barry, and Kravitz shared a Look. “Here, you hungry? The Kraken outside let out a soft scree, and Taako dropped a tasty morsel of food out the window to a pleased, watery gurgling. Taako turned back around, still grinning. The rest of the crew stared at him. “…what?”

Lup raised an eyebrow at him, smirking, but everyone else chose to look anywhere else. Orla looked around at the group.

“Is no one gonna talk about the elephant in the room, then?”

“I dunno about the elephant in the room, but we should probably talk about the giant fish thing out there,” Merle said, prompting groans from several of the crew. Taako frowned.

“What? What about him? He’s my dope new pet, and he rocks.”

“Babe…” Kravitz lowered his silverware and folded his hands on the table in front of him. “I know it helped us in a pinch against the dreadnaught, but it was _also_ the thing that made all those undead in the first place.”

“Yeah, well, you took care of the fleet, and we got Callaway, so we’re Gucci, right?”

“That thing will just make more eventually,” Orla said. “Give it enough time, and you’re just gonna have another fleet of the damned on your hands.”

“Besides, what are you even going to do with it, Taako? It’s _huge_!” Magnus said. Taako turned on him with a gasp.

“I can’t believe it. Magnus “Dogs on the Moon,” “I have animal handling,” “My best bud is a giant psychedelic jellyfish” Burnsides, trying to stop _me_ , a wizard, from having a dope ass pet?”

“We can’t take it into harbor, Taako, it’s just too big,” Davenport said. “And Magnus has a point, where would you even put it?”

“Not to mention, once Dominate Monster wears off, we’ll just have an angry Kraken on our hands again,” Barry added. Taako scoffed, waving his concern away.

“That? Dude, that wore of like, an _hour_ ago.”

That shut everyone up for a moment. “Wait, like, for real?” Lup asked. Taako shrugged.

“Ch’yeah, it’s not a long spell at 8th level, it only lasts an hour.”

“And it’s still _following_ us?!” Orla yelped, slamming her hands on the table. “Why?”

Taako frowned. “Because Henry Tailor loves me, and he’s my awesome squid friend, _like I’ve been saying_.”

(“Oh my Lady,” Kravitz muttered under his breath, pinching the bridge of his nose, “he’s already named it…”)

“ _Besides_ ,” Taako continued, choosing to ignore his boyfriend’s comment, “you guys act like you’re not talking to the world’s greatest transmutation wizard! _I_ ,” he said, pressing one hand to his chest, “have a _plan_.” And so saying, he strode out of the room, plucking the Cloak of the Manta Ray from a wall hook as he went.

After a moment, Kravitz sighed, pushing away from the table and standing. “I’m going to make sure he doesn’t get eaten,” he said. Lup nodded.

“Sure, we’ll save a plate for you. Let us know if you need us to “make calamari!””

Kravitz nodded, heading out to the deck. He quickly found Taako, leaning against the railing on one side of the ship, digging through his bag. As Kravitz approached, he pulled out a circlet with a sound of triumph, before catching sight of him. “Oh, hey babe,” he said, putting the circlet on and setting it firmly in his curls. “Came to watch me be awesome?”

“Something like that,” he replied, leaning on the railing next to his boyfriend. From here, he could see the lines of the ship’s wake trailing in the ocean behind them, although they were vastly outmatched by the long ripple that followed the creature keeping easy pace with their ship. “So, what exactly is the plan, here?”

Taako fussed with the circlet one last time, smirking. “Why, it’s your plan, babe. You suggested it.”

Kravitz blinked. “I did?”

Taako turned, his back against the railing, and shot a pair of finger-guns at the reaper. “Diplomacy!”

With that, he toppled backwards over the railing, and Kravitz darted forward in alarm, looking over the side just in time to see the pronounced splash as Taako almost-gracefully swan dove into the sea. For a moment, he didn’t resurface, and Kravitz felt that awful sensation of nerves that being amongst the fragile living had rekindled in him. Just as he was about to panic, however, Taako’s head popped back up from the water, much farther from the ship and _significantly_ closer to the body of the Kraken. He turned, waving cheerfully back at Kravitz, before paddling the rest of the way to the giant cephalopod.

Kravitz watched, with a mixture of amusement and anxiety, as Taako held some sort of silent conversation with the creature, animatedly gesturing with his free arm in the general direction of the Kraken’s body. After what Kravitz assumed was something of a back-and-forth, Taako grinned at the creature, gesturing one hand up. Almost instantly, one long tentacle rose from the waves, lifting him into the air. Kravitz’s dead pulse fluttered a moment when Taako almost lost his balance, but the wizard managed to keep his ground. Once he was clear of the water and stabilized, he rolled up his sleeves and began to cast.

The change was almost immediate. Under the water, Kravitz watched as the outline of the creature shrunk rapidly, tentacles retreating one by one, until only the one holding Taako aloft remained. When that, too, began to shrink under the waves, Taako jumped back into the water, pulling the hood of the Cloak of the Manta Ray over his head as he dove towards the diminished body of the Kraken.

Kravitz watched as he scooped something small from the sea and started swimming back towards the boat. He snorted, taking on his smoke form and flying over to his boyfriend. “Need a lift?” he asked as he partially reformed, floating half a foot over the surface of the water. Taako blinked up at him, surprised.

“Oh shit. Yeah, that’d rule.” He reached up with a free arm, and Kravitz plucked him out of the water, shrugging off his feathered mantle when Taako shivered from the cool ocean air. “Aw, my hero,” Taako cooed. “Do I get a kiss, too?”

Kravitz couldn’t say no to that and obliged him with a sweet peck that _may_ have turned into something more, had the soggy lump Taako carried not interrupted with a wet, grumpy “ _mrowr._ ”

Kravitz looked down in surprise, and Taako grinned. “Kravitz, meet Henry Tailor,” he said proudly. Where once there had been an undead-raising sea leviathan, Taako now held a large, handsome tomcat, who looked up at Taako, blinked once, and, now that he had their attention, began to purr.

“Aww,” Kravitz said, despite being an ageless agent of death for the goddess of the afterlife. “He’s certainly a handsome cat!”

“Not a cat,” Taako corrected, hefting the tom into a more comfortable position. “But uh… the boat’s sailing away without us, Kravvie.”

Sure enough, the ship had gained some ground while they’d been busy, and Kravitz quickly tore a rift, not wanting to accidentally drop Taako or the ca- or Henry Tailor, in the process.

“If he’s not a cat, what is he?” he asked as Taako stepped out of his arms and onto the deck. Henry Tailor squirmed in Taako’s arms, and he let the furry creature go. He shook himself, droplets of ocean water flying everywhere, before looking up at the two of them with a pitiful expression and a damp “mrow.”

“C’mon, Lup knows some drying spells,” Taako said to him, pointing towards the mess hall. To Kravitz’s surprise, Henry Tailor seemed to understand, making his way in that direction, soggy plumed tail still held high.

When they walked back into the mess hall, the rest of the crew looked up. “Back so soon?” Lup asked, but she frowned when she saw the cat. “Hey, Taako, what the hell?”

“What?”

“You turned it into a cat? You know Krakens are like – like, people intelligence. That’s kind of…” she trailed off, still frowning pensively at the cat. Henry made a beeline for her, propping his front paws on the side of her chair and meowing pleadingly at her.

“He’s not a _cat_ ,” Taako said, flipping his hair over his shoulder and starting to wring it dry. He was careful not to dislodge the circlet, though. “That’d be cruel. He’s still got his int score, don’t worry. Hey, could you dry him off? He’s like, upset about the water and fur thing.”

Lup frowned, now perplexed rather than upset, but raised one hand, a red glow growing around it. A few seconds later, and Henry Tailor was high and dry, his long ginger fur poofing out around him. His meowing instantly changed to purrs, and he rubbed his head against her hip gratefully. She leaned down to scratch his head, now looking thoughtful. “What plane?”

“Remember the one with the, uh….” Taako snapped his fingers a few times. “The uh, the green people- the shape-shifters? That one?”

Lup’s brow creased, then her eyes widened as it hit her. She looked down at the cat-like being, then back to Taako. “You did not. Taako, that’s fucking _sick!_ ” she exclaimed in excitement, jumping up. “How did you even-?”

“I studied them for a bit,” he said, smug. “Wanted to see if I could use the animal language to talk to ‘em. I couldn’t, but I learned a lot. Enough for a Polymorph, anyway.”

“And he’s totally cool with it?”

“Eyup.”

“I’m lost,” Kravitz said, looking to the other Birds and Orla to see if he was alone. Magnus seemed more excited, and Merle and Davenport seemed to have relaxed. Only Orla was as confused as he was, though. “If he’s not a cat, what is he?”

“He’s our sweet new baby boy,” Taako declared, sweeping him up and carrying him towards the table. “And I bet he wants something to eat!”

Before Kravitz could stop him, he swiped a large chunk of cheese from the table, holding it out for Henry Tailor, who gobbled it down without hesitation.

“Oh, Taako, that’s – that’s probably not good for him anymore,” Kravitz said, stepping over and gently pulling the cat from Taako’s arms. “Even if he’s not a cat, he’s probably similar enough – they shouldn’t be eating that much cheese!” Taako let him take Henry, rolling his eyes but smiling.

“You’re such a good cat-dad, Kravitz, but seriously, he’s gonna be- oh,” he said, as Henry started to make a small, chugging sound. Kravitz tsk’ed.

“See?” He carefully put Henry Tailor back on the ground, gently patting his back as he poofed up, making pre-hairball sounds. “It’s ok, Henry, just hock it back up, that’s a good – ”

When Henry Tailor opened his mouth, Kravitz was expecting a hairball. Kravitz was _not_ expecting he and his boyfriend’s new pet to unhinge its jaw, revealing an absurd number of flailing tentacles as it belched gold doubloons out on the floor. His own mouth dropped open in shock, and he and the crew stared as Henry Tailor barfed up what was easily several fleets worth of pirate treasure onto the deck floor.

After a solid minute, Henry finally closed his terrifying, physics defying jaws, licked his chops, and looked up at Kravitz with wide, innocent eyes. “Mrow?”

The whole crew stood in silence for a long moment, staring at the _definitely not-cat_ and the enormous pile of treasure on the deck floor. Finally, Davenport cleared his throat.

“Well, I… I guess there was a sunken treasure after all.”

“Fuck yeah!”


End file.
